Every product is fictional. New ones show up all the time. None of them should be purchased, ingested or applied to a brokerage account.
HOLDING HEAVY BAGS?
Soothing relief for chafed portfolios
Not a medicine. Not financial advice. Not edible. Results not typical. Holding not recommended. Hodl & Sons is not responsible for chafing, regret, or your uncle's crypto tips.
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Ask your broker about Dip-Lomat
For the heartburn of buying the dip, and the dip under the dip
Dip-Lomat has not been evaluated by the FDA, the SEC, or anyone with a finance degree. Individual results may vary. The dip may continue.
SHORT SQUEEZE ENERGY
Now in Margin Call Mango and Liquidation Lime
Short Squeeze Energy is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent poverty. Consult a cardiologist and a financial advisor, in that order.
HURT BY THE MARKET?
You may be entitled to absolutely nothing!
Attorney advertising, allegedly. No attorney-client relationship is formed by watching this. Lou has never won a case. Lou has never been to law school. Lou is a raccoon in a suit.
EAU DE BAGHOLDER
For the man who held.
Eau de Bagholder contains alcohol, regret, and 0% returns. Maison Margin is a fictional fashion house. Please do not drink the perfume, even if the market is down.
TENDIE-TRON 9000
The Chicken Tender Machine That Believes In You
Tendie-Tron has never made a profit and neither will you. Tenders may be future tenders. Do not ask the machine about its feelings.
VIX DOWN? STILL PANIC.
The soothing snack for traders who are scared of calm
Calm Down Crouton has not been approved by anyone. Do not operate a brokerage account while crunching. Ask your doctor if your doctor is also a bagholder.
PANIC SELL SMARTER
The big red button that sells before you even feel the feelings
Button is decorative. Goat is emotional support and is not included. Panic sold separately in volatile markets only.
SLEEP THROUGH THE VIX
The mattress topper that is calm so you don't have to be
Vol-Crush does not reduce volatility, only your awareness of it. Do not operate heavy machinery or a brokerage account while asleep. Foam may contain traces of copium.
FEEL GREEN AGAIN
Green Candle Gummies: for portfolios that feel a little red
Results not typical. Green is a feeling, not a return. Do not operate heavy machinery or a brokerage app. Side effects include crying in a parking lot.
BUY THE DIP. DRINK THE DIP.
The only energy drink brewed from pure market volatility
Results not typical. Typical results are crying in a parked car. Rip-Tide Rage Juice is not a substitute for sleep, therapy, or index funds. Can may contain traces of your own bad decisions.