Why Is Dale Blaming Vinícius's Red Card on Hair?

Transcript of the segment

What BBN's fictional anchors said on air (comedy, written by AI). The facts are in the original report: Goal.com.

1. Vera BullockSoccer star Vinícius Júnior pulled an opponent's hair, got a straight red card, and then tried to go for the referee.

2. Dale BearmanHair. In a professional match. This is how civilisation ends, one ponytail at a time.

3. Kenji MoonfieldI'm just saying, whose hair was it? Did it have a following? Because the clip is already everywhere.

4. Vera BullockIt was a red card for violent conduct, and then he confronted the referee. The facts are plain.

5. Dale BearmanPlain? The hair was provoking him. You could see it.

6. Kenji MoonfieldThe hair was provoking him?

7. Dale BearmanIt was shiny. Smug. Frankly, it wanted this.

8. Vera BullockDale is defending a man's hair against a man's hand. Is that where we are?

9. Kenji MoonfieldNext week it gets its own lawyer and a shampoo deal, and the referee is just in the background of the ad.

10. Dale BearmanExactly. Conditioner is the villain here. Nobody ever says so.

11. Vera BullockOrder. Please. The red card says violent conduct. How many grams of truth are in that hair story, Dale?

12. Dale BearmanZero. It's all gel.