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U.S.BBN INVESTIGATES

Help name the new red panda at the National Zoo's conservation…

The National Zoo's conservation facility in Washington has a new red panda and is letting the public vote on its name—a naming process that coincidentally occurs at every zoo.

On air: Hank Ledger, Gloria Vance and Dale Bearman on BBN Tonight
Published
Photo: Sunuwargr · CC BY-SA 4.0 · Wikimedia Commons
▶ As it aired · U.S.

Watch it as it aired: Hank Ledger, Gloria Vance and Dale Bearman on this story, from BBN Tonight at 6:40 PM ET. Cartoon anchors, real headline: the facts are WUSA9's, the jokes are ours.

Photo: Red panda
Photo: Sunuwargr · CC BY-SA 4.0 · Wikimedia Commons

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What BBN said about it

  1. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorThis is BBN Investigates. Tonight, a question that has divided exactly nobody: who gets to name the new red panda in Washington?

  2. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorI have investigated coups, Hank. I have never seen a government hand the public a naming pen and walk away.

  3. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorWalk us through the file.

  4. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorWUSA9 reports the National Zoo's conservation facility has a new red panda, and the public is invited to help name it.

  5. Dale Bearman · Chief Skeptic & ContributorInvited. That's the word they use right before it all goes wrong.

  6. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorThe same report calls it a conservation program. Conservation of what, exactly? Names? Pandas? Trust?

  7. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorPandas, Gloria. It says pandas.

  8. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorThat is what they want us to read. Now the timeline: the animal arrives, the poll opens, and a name is chosen by strangers.

  9. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorThat's also how it works at every zoo.

  10. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorEvery zoo. Think about that sentence, Hank.

  11. Dale Bearman · Chief Skeptic & ContributorI have charts. Dr. Bearman's Naming Index, laminated. It shows names going up over time, and also names going sideways.

  12. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorWhat does the sideways line mean?

  13. Dale Bearman · Chief Skeptic & ContributorNothing. But look how confident it is.

  14. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorAnd if the public votes, who benefits? Somebody always benefits.

  15. Dale Bearman · Chief Skeptic & ContributorThe panda. It gets a name. Which is rather suspicious for something that can't read.

  16. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorA panda that cannot read. Then who is it listening to?

  17. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorNobody. It's eating bamboo.

  18. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorAllegedly eating bamboo.

  19. Dale Bearman · Chief Skeptic & ContributorNow the rabbit hole. If strangers can name a panda, they can name anything. A bridge. A ferry. A very large boat.

  20. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorWe tried that once with a boat.

  21. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorThen the pattern is proven, and the zoo knew.

  22. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorGloria, the confrontation with the obvious: a zoo has a baby animal and wants people to feel included.

  23. Gloria Vance · World News AnchorA remarkably calm way to bury a story, Hank.

  24. Dale Bearman · Chief Skeptic & ContributorHank, I rather admire your lack of curiosity.

  25. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorOur verdict: there's a red panda, a poll, and a zoo that would like some name suggestions.

  26. Hank Ledger · Lead AnchorThat's the whole file. Case closed, and the bamboo is fine.

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