Bagholders Anonymous

Each one is a minute long, built on that day's real biggest loser. Real numbers, fictional people.

1. Episode 1Start Over, KevinMSTR -6.0%His stock fell 15x harder than the Bitcoin it holds
2. Episode 2Going Once, Going BrokeNBIS -5.1%A support group meeting turns into a stock auction
3. Episode 3Hedge Your DougCLSK -7.4%He confessed to a parking meter. Then it got worse.
4. Episode 4Margin Call CasseroleCAT -7.0%His wife sent her tax guy to his support group
5. Episode 5Serenity, Said QuicklyMARA -7.4%Three confessions. The last one is the group leader's.
6. Episode 6Audit-ory HallucinationsTER -6.6%The IRS cracked her password. Then bought the dip.
7. Episode 7Chair Today, Gone TomorrowEME -5.9%Marjorie's out. Walt runs the meeting. Bad idea.
8. Episode 8Root Canal TradingSWKS -4.1%They staged an intervention. It became an auction.

• 

  Marjorie

  the group leader, thirty years "clean"

  calm, maternal, speaks in recovery slogans; secretly checks futures on a flip phone under her clipboard; bangs a gavel when sharing turns into a stock pitch

• 

  Doug

  a suburban dad who put the college fund into whatever was trending

  sweet, ashamed, relapses every episode ("I just looked. Once."); hides losses from his wife Linda (never seen)

• 

  Priya

  a crypto widow; her ex left her a hardware wallet and no password

  deadpan, bitter, tries every password on a sticky note pad during the meeting

• 

  Walt

  retired, dividends-only, insists he does not belong here

  smug boomer, preaches blue chips, a crack shows whenever his "safe" utility stock dips half a percent

• 

  Tyler

  24, options trader, treats every meeting as a buying opportunity

  manic, a phone in each hand, pitches the group his next trade, calls losses "tuition"

Also: a different newcomer every meeting, with that day's worst stock and a story to match.

• "Hi, I'm ___, and I bought ___ at the top." "Hi, ___."
• the 12 Steps, one per episode ("Step 4: delete the app. Step 4b: reinstall the app")
• sobriety chips for days without checking your portfolio; nobody has the 24-hour chip
• the coffee urn gets worse when the market drops
• sharing turns into a stock pitch and Marjorie bangs the gavel
• the sponsor system: sponsors are worse than the people they sponsor
• Priya tries a new password every meeting
• Anything that buzzes in the circle is 'the coffee urn.'