What BBN said on air. Comedy, with fictional anchors.
Hank LedgerThe Energy Department says it will spend up to a hundred fifty million dollars to boost refining at U. S. refineries, while diesel averages six dollars and thirty-two cents a gallon.
Hank LedgerWith us tonight is Cornelius Abernathy-Voss, inmate forty-oh-four-seventeen at a minimum-security prison, and a self-described fuel logistics man. Is a hundred fifty million enough?
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossNo, and I say that with respect.
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossA critic at the National Center for Energy Analytics says big refinery changes cost hundreds of millions, into the billions.
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossAllegedly a tanker holds more than that in value, and I allegedly knew of four.
Hank LedgerFour tankers.
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossAllegedly nine. I still have my loyalty card from a gas station, with eleven cents on it.
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossThat is the only fuel asset the court left me.
Hank LedgerSo let me ask you about the timing. Trump announced this at a rally in Sioux City, Iowa, less than two weeks before the midterms.
Hank LedgerIs that a coincidence?
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossI can't speak to rallies, Hank.
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossI only did my business at night. But the money comes from a billion dollars Congress already set aside for national security energy projects, so nobody had to ask anyone twice.
Hank LedgerYou said nobody. Which refineries get the money?
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossThe department hasn't said which ones. It says it will announce its selections soon.
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Cornelius Abernathy-VossI'd like it noted that I'm available, and that I have a very clean record since Tuesday.
Hank LedgerYou called me about a job.
Hank LedgerVerdict: a hundred fifty million is small, and your tanker count is not. The Energy Department says it will announce its selections soon.
Hank LedgerHe's filled out the form for every refinery they haven't named. That's all of them.
