What BBN said on air. Comedy, with fictional anchors.
Rex "Two-Point" GridleyAll rise for case number two, six, zero, five, the Court of the Parking Lot! I will bang this gavel exactly once!
Rex "Two-Point" GridleyThe defendant, BBN's paper cougar, is charged with excessive celebration of a three-yard gain, and operating a T-shirt cannon without a permit!
Brock ThundersonYour Honor, the prosecution will show that number eight BYU, five and oh, invited number two Notre Dame, six and oh, to Provo on purpose!
Brock ThundersonSeven-thirty Eastern, four-thirty Pacific, on ABC, at LaVell Edwards Stadium. That is premeditation with a primetime slot!
Chip DarnellYour Honor, my client is a gentle cougar who just loves people, and cannons, and a three-yard gain is a beautiful thing!
Rex "Two-Point" GridleyThree yards! Did he celebrate it, or did he throw a parade?
Chip DarnellA small parade, Your Honor. Very tasteful. Maybe forty people!
Brock ThundersonExhibit A: CJ Carr, thirteen hundred seventy-eight yards, sixteen touchdowns, one interception. One! That's the only fingerprint at the scene!
Chip DarnellAnd Exhibit B, Bear Bachmeier, eight touchdowns, and my client was in the stands for every single one!
Rex "Two-Point" GridleyBring in the surprise witness!
Chip DarnellWitness, a man in a sunhat: I saw the cougar fire a shirt cannon at a hot dog stand!
Brock ThundersonDid the hot dog stand have a permit, sir?
Chip DarnellObjection! The witness is a hot dog enthusiast and cannot be trusted!
Rex "Two-Point" GridleySustained! I have no idea why, but sustained!
Brock ThundersonClosing: two unbeaten teams, one perfect season, and a cougar with a cannon. Convict him!
Chip DarnellClosing: my client has never lost a game, because he has never played one!
Rex "Two-Point" GridleyThe court finds the defendant guilty on both counts, and I stand by my BYU call!
