California Ballot Officials Count Votes in a Dark Closet to Stay Clueless

Transcript

What BBN said on air. Comedy, with fictional anchors.

1. 

   Chip DarnellThe Justice Department's warning to California election officials has them scrambling, because the word that matters in the letter is knowingly, and our guest runs a county ballot council.

2. 

   Chip DarnellMarguerite, what do you know?

3. MO

   Marguerite Oyelaran-VossChip, per page two, we know nothing, and we are very proud of it.

4. MO

   Marguerite Oyelaran-VossLucky and I have trained every worker to hold an envelope at arm's length and feel no curiosity at all.

5. 

   Chip DarnellSo the plan is to count the ballots without finding out anything about them?

6. 

   Chip DarnellThe letter says officials risk investigation if they knowingly tabulate ballots from noncitizens.

7. MO

   Marguerite Oyelaran-VossPer page nine, curiosity is the real threat.

8. MO

   Marguerite Oyelaran-VossWe moved the sorting tables twelve feet back, and last night we dimmed the lights to be safe.

9. 

   Chip DarnellDimmed.

10. MO

    Marguerite Oyelaran-VossPer page forty, which I am told exists, the safest ballot is one nobody has looked at.

11. MO

    Marguerite Oyelaran-VossWe are now counting in a closet with the door shut, and Lucky is on the clipboard.

12. 

    Chip DarnellBut you didn't answer my question. Have you read the letter?

13. MO

    Marguerite Oyelaran-VossI have read the envelope it came in, and on the advice of counsel I will not say what I know about that either.

14. 

    Chip DarnellMarguerite Oyelaran-Voss, who knows nothing and is confident about it. Dr. Byte, you have three PhDs, so tell us something we definitely know.