Bank of America's $1.2B Fine: Wellness Guru Pitches Money Laundering Routine

Transcript

What BBN said on air. Comedy, with fictional anchors.

1. 

   Kenji MoonfieldWe're just getting this in: AP News reports Ohio State's reshuffled right side will meet Indiana's sack leaders in a top-five showdown.

2. 

   Kenji MoonfieldNow, the Treasury says that one point two billion dollar Bank of America fine covers money laundering and sanctions.

3. 

   Kenji MoonfieldMy guest has made it a morning routine. Juniper Salcedo-Vane, what is step one?

4. JS

   Juniper Salcedo-VaneStep one is I wake up and declare nothing, which is so freeing. Then I roll my jade face roller, Compliance, over my forehead.

5. JS

   Juniper Salcedo-VaneAnd the code is SANCTION20.

6. 

   Kenji MoonfieldDeclare nothing. That is the exact thing the Treasury is fining them for.

7. JS

   Juniper Salcedo-VaneAllegedly! And my followers get twenty percent off the routine. Which includes a smoothie, a candle, and zero questions about where the candle came from.

8. 

   Kenji MoonfieldI typed in SANCTION20 on your site, and it says the code is invalid.

9. JS

   Juniper Salcedo-VaneThat's a regional glitch. And the code is SANCTION25.

10. JS

    Juniper Salcedo-VaneAlso, I'm not saying the bank and I share a business model, but we both love a suitcase.

11. 

    Kenji MoonfieldA suitcase.

12. JS

    Juniper Salcedo-VaneFor my wellness retreats! Cash only, no receipts, very calming. And the code is PLEASE30. It's a real one, I swear on Compliance.